Waiting is hard. That is one of life’s well-known truths.
But it gets harder when you’ve already waited so long to soothe.
It gets harder when you feel you can almost grasp the elusive “yes”.
It gets harder when no one understands your pain.
Or when they feel sorry for you because they understand it well.
It gets harder when you no longer know what verses to pray.
It gets harder when you lose count on the times you’ve knelt by the bed.
It gets harder when you can’t remember which belongings you put in a box.
It gets harder when you look in the mirror and can’t recognize yourself anymore.
It gets harder when there are no straight roads ahead, only treacherous turns.
It gets harder when one step forward actually seems to take you back.
It gets harder when you keep carrying on your shoulders the weight of the past.
It gets harder when the sound of silence make you feel alone.
It gets harder when you realize you are to blame for your own bad luck.
It gets harder when life doesn't stop and you are unable to plan.
When you are unable to even dream of doing things you used to want.
It gets harder when every day your soul seems to be crushed into finer pieces.
It gets harder when you know how long it will take to glue them back into something pretty.
It gets harder when the world spins faster, but you are stuck.
It gets harder when, at every turn, a new thing goes wrong.
It gets harder to feel like instead of flowing, you are dead weight.
It gets harder when one thing can go right one minute and messed up the next.
It gets harder when you feel like you are disappointing people.
It feels worse to know I am 30 but have never felt so little.
It feels worse when you feel like you have mastered the beast.
And understood what all the wasted days and months mean.
But what feels the worst is to relapse into desperation with a harder fall.
When I thought I had conquered this fear once and for all.
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