It has been a while since I last wrote a personal post, one where I could open my heart beyond sharing travel tips. But I could not let January end without discussing the last year and how it is shaping my 2023 version.
Whenever I tell people that 2022 was rough, they react skeptically, citing trips, parties, and other things people assume bring happiness. And they are right, these things are blessings, and I enjoy them very much. But, even though I was having fun, many of those things were in fact beautiful escapes. Beneath all that, I could not shake the recurring nightmares, maddening intrusive thoughts, and crippling feelings of loneliness. As we all keep hearing, social media provides a wrong idea of what happiness looks like, and many times, I was the poster child of those warnings.
I started feeling guilty, because if everything was seemingly perfect, why was I anxious? I guess it was because many little things started to pile up, adding more and more weight: This time last year, I had been applying to jobs for six months, getting many interviews but facing, time and time again, rejection due to my need of visa sponsorship. My contract was about to end, and I was grieving over leaving a team and a job I loved. The strain of losing the position, and potentially the life I adored in the US, caused me a lot of stress, anxiety, and feelings of not being enough. I also felt misunderstood by most people around me, even though this issue is common and frequent in my community.
Around the same time, I saw my grandma die. Although she had Alzheimer's for 12 years, I was not prepared to see her die at 3 am, waiting endless hours for her to fade away like candlelight. In addition, due to the changes in my work situation, I had to travel constantly, never knowing for how long, unable to plan a lot of things and stick to the safety of a routine. I started feeling like there was nothing I could control. Moreover, I was almost scammed, I was threatened, I fell into toxic work dynamics, and spiraled thinking about the future. Although I tried to talk about these things to make them seem unimportant, I could not shake the feeling that everything was wrong. And I started feeling that all these situations were a testament that I was unintelligent, incapable, and worthless. So, it was no surprise that, by November, my anxiety was through the roof.
This episode of anxiety was like anything I've experienced before. I felt distraught at all times, I did not want to be alone, and I could not sleep or eat. I was alone and my house was a mess, so much I stopped doing things I do every day, like making coffee. At a point, I could not understand what people were telling me, making work a struggle. Not only was I unable to enjoy all the simple things that usually bring me joy, but I started questioning everything about myself, even the colors I like, the way I dress, the shows I watch, and my religious beliefs.
I do not mean to make this a long, whiny post. But, in the end, there were things that brought me back to reality, and more importantly, to my optimistic self: Landing a job that allowed me to travel, meet great people, and recover my confidence in my professional qualities certainly helped. But, most importantly, when I felt like I was hitting rock bottom, I started therapy. That is how my nightmares started to disappear and my loud thoughts went (almost fully) quiet.
Although I have a long way ahead of me, and I know my self-work is just getting started, there are some things I have learned that really helped me, and I hope they can help others, too. They might seem like commonplaces (at least I thought they were), but I can attest their wonders:
Some moments and things that have brought me joy these last few months
Problems will never go away for good because what fun would life be? But seeking help is crucial if you feel overwhelmed. Nothing can go completely well in our lives without working on ourselves.
It is essential to be kind to everyone around us because we are rarely aware of people's battles. They might put on their best smiles while, internally, they are broken. We cannot assume people do not talk because they do not want to. Sometimes, it is extremely hard to express our pain and fears to our loved ones. Other times, it is excruciating to find and afford professional help that resonates with you.
Writing is miraculous. Thanks to the Artist's Way, I learned about the morning pages, a daily ritual that requires writing three pages every day as soon as you wake up. These pages are just yours and they cannot be shared with anyone. It might seem silly, and even burdensome at times, but it does wonders for the mind and lets you walk into the day with clearer thoughts.
Challenging yourself is fun and empowering. Setting and committing to short-term goals will remind you that you are strong-willed and capable of doing whatever you set your mind on. For instance, I told myself I would do "Dry January" and post a new blog weekly. These might seem like small objectives, but every time I achieve them, it feels like a pat in the back.
Physical activity can only help. And I do not mean a demanding workout. Sometimes moving your body and receiving a little sun is enough to make you feel alive.
Speak kindly to yourself always, and remember that your value is not determined by the things you have or what you do at work. It is determined by the qualities you hold in your heart, the way you make people feel around you, the footprint you leave in this world.
Do things that excite you, no matter how silly or routinely they might seem. Try learning something new: it could be a signature dish, a new language, the latest album of an artist you haven't heard before. You will be surprised at the lovely things you will discover.
To conclude, the joy I felt through these lessons would have passed me by if I had not gone through the pain that served as a wake up call to show me what was not resonating with my heart. I am thankful, because hurting made me vulnerable, opened me, and reminded me I need to let go of my ego. And I am grateful to the people that knowingly or unknowingly were there for me with a cup of tea, a shoulder to cry on, or an afternoon walking dogs.
In 2023, I am committed to let go of the things that are not serving me, so I can become a better and more authentic version of myself every day. For now, it just feels like it will be a wonderful year.
As for you, who are reading this, I wish this year, you take good care of yourself in heart and spirit. And I hope great things come your way.
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