Secretly, I have often complained to myself and to my therapist that despite doing a lot and apparently doing it well, I am always falling short in actually exceling at things.
This was true back in high school, where I was perpetually in the top three of my class without ever being number one, or where I was runner-up for school president even though I wanted it - and worked for it - my whole academic life.
Practicing tennis earlier this year, my longest streak in the last 15 years
These two, and many other examples from my early adulthood, helped me develop the narrative that I had an enormous potential that amounted to nothing. Or, to be fair, that I had qualities that only amounted to quiet, seemingly unimportant victories. I ended up burying the disappointment at my always-close-to-perfect performance by "rationalizing" that everything was life or God attempting make me humble.
Eventually, as one of those famous memes would have it, I was surprised when I realized the root of my problems lied within myself. Only through the twists and turns I have faced this year did I come to reflect on how I have lived, almost my entire life, in a trap of my own devising: I got used to being too self-complacent.
Now I clearly see that, while I have always strived to do well, I have done it within the limits of comfort. I have risen to many pivotal occasions and gotten dashing results, but those have been exceptions, not the rule. So I cannot help but wonder where I would be if I had committed to waking up early, practiced piano longer than an hour, refused to buy too many things I didn't need, or competed in at least one tennis tournament.
Like most human beings, I like to avoid pain. So much so that I always told myself: "if you have the choice to avoid suffering, why suffer," a philosophy I used to get out of simple home chores or beauty procedures/rituals. And I can confidently say that, ever since I left home at 22, I have avoided or postponed the pain of cleaning, getting up at the first ring of my alarm, or working out with the silliest excuses. However, in doing that, I oversaw the importance of discomfort in building discipline, which is nothing but the superior quality that sets the good apart from the great.
Self-complacency affected me in many ways for years, always disguised as the lack of time or energy. I was never consistent, and then I had the audacity to complain about not seeing results despite my effort. I also complained about never being top of my class in spite of how much I studied, when I know well I have always been very easily distracted. I complained I was not a wunderkind at playing piano or tennis, when I have quit trying at the slightest signs of frustration. And acknowledging all these things has come with its share of embarrassment and regret.
However, facing challenges, and having no option but overcoming them, has made me see that I have always been capable of more. I simply did not have a clear purpose that made all the sacrifice and discomfort worthwhile. But in trying to build my life all over, I have seen that trying a bit harder every day is not nearly as bad as I thought. If I could walk 5 minutes, I now would walk 10. If I said I would go to mass at 8:30 am, I would stick to it even after a night of partying. And I have found there is more satisfaction in delaying gratification than in choosing momentary comfort.
Training from a different gym almost every week + working out during a trip, something I had never done before
I am still far from achieving flawless routines or unbreakable habits. But being committed to leaving my self-complacency tendencies behind is what has allowed me to maintain this blog, to achieve a 129+ day streak in Duolingo, to maintain a workout routine despite all the traveling and moving around, to find a job that helps me stand on my own two feet, and to make some sense out of chaos.
Bottom line is that there will always be reasons to drop healthy habits, and there will sometimes be disappointing outcomes that might affect my motivation. But I will keep trying now that I know the benefits discipline has brought to my life... It just makes me happy to feel like I am on the right track to eliminate "self-complacent" from the list of words describing Daniela.
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